on being still

If there is one thing I don't want to do in Cambodia, it is stand still. When you stand still, you are subject to a myriad of smells; smells that cling to air molecules like a hungry infant to his mother: incense from the store next door, exhaust from the truck that just drove by, meat from the market in the alley, grilled corn from the cart down the street. When you stand still, the lack of a breeze becomes decidedly more pronounced until the very act of breathing--inhale, exhale--becomes a laborious, exhaustive chore. The simple becomes the complex, the easy becomes the difficult, the tolerable becomes the intolerable...all when you are still.

Unfortunately, lately, this is what is required of me.

It's not so much the standing that has me frustrated; it's the being still that has me worked into a tizzy.  I finally find a routine....wham, I'm puking out the side of a moving tuk-tuk. I think I have my future figured out...plop, I'm back to square one. I keep trying to speed up the future, counting down the days till I can see those that I miss so much...but it feels like God is pumping the brakes, slowing me down. It feels like the training wheels have been put back on my big girl bike just when I'm feeling ready to cruise, unnecessary, bothersome.

What these past few weeks demonstrate, at least to yours truly, is that I am very clearly not in control. It's actually laughable how out-of-control I am. And I'll be honest: this upsets me. 

What the past twenty two years have taught me is that Someone is in control. Things left unsupervised will almost always turn to crap, unless Someone is there to intervene.

[Not convinced? Try babysitting. Even the most angelic of faces will astound you with their devious schemes.]

Even when things looked dark and hopeless, I've always managed...and I'm still managing. Heck, some might even say I'm thriving; and somedays I'd actually agree with them.

The moral of my ramblings is being still usually doesn't happen [to me at least] by choice. But since my other options are dwindling, I'll do my very best to be, for awhile, still.